Shiro x Sven: A Black Paladin Catastrophe
by TheSeaQueen00
Summary: I wrote this like last year and I personally feel like I need to share this with the world. God bless us, every one.


The training session today had been long and hard, but the team had done good work. Shiro pulled his helmet off as he walked to his room. Beads of sweat dripped down his strong, square jaw, which he wiped off with the back of his hand. He passed through the doorway, pulling his armor off piece-by-piece and laying it down on the bed. He pulled off the reinforced black jumpsuit that lay underneath the armor, and wrapped a towel around his waist. He exited his room again, making his way to the showers. As he passed a hallway, Shiro saw a black figure flit by the corner of his eye, and his head whipped around to try and follow the shape. "Hello?" He called, but nothing answered. No sound of movement, or breathing, or being. Shiro shrugged his broad shoulders, beginning his journey once more.

When he entered the giant tiled room, he found that it was already warm and steamy. Shiro put the towel he had wrapped around his waist on a counter, and stepped under the head of the shower. He turned the warm water nozzle, letting the streams run through his hair and down his body. He had just begun to shampoo his hair when he heard a crash from somewhere in the room. He haphazardly rinsed the soap out, and went to grab for his towel. It wasn't there. Stunned, he looked behind, underneath, and nearby where he had last put it, and found nothing. He looked warily around the room, and while it was small, he could swear that he felt someone else in it.

"Keith?" He tried. No answer. "Allura?" Still nothing. "Fuck." Even if he was just hearing noises, and there really was nothing there, he had no idea where he put his towel. How would he walk back to his room? He'd have to run, but what if he ran into anyone? He hoped the only person he'd see was Allura. At least it would be easy to explain to her. While he thought, he turned the shower off, and heard someone cough. He froze, and shifted his gaze to the corner of the room where the sound had emanated. "This isn't funny, guys." Shiro tried, and he heard a quick patter of footsteps. A figure flew past Shiro's sight and out the door way. Shiro followed, albeit more carefully to avoid the hallways he knew the others took the most. They had only made it a few seconds before the figure dropped something on the floor. Shiro stooped down to pick it up, and found the familiar softness of the towel fabric splayed between the fingers of his mechanical arm. Relieved but not discouraged from the chase, Shiro wrapped the towel around his waist once more before continuing his pursuit of the intruder.

The black shape led him to the ship bay, and Shiro saw the slight head and eye movements of each of the lions as they followed the two people running on the floor. Shiro's lion yawned, giving the intruder ample time to jump into Black's maw before the lion could close it again. "Shit! Black! Open your mouth!" Shiro yelled towards the giant robot cat, which turned it's head at him. "Please." Shiro sighed, and the lion happily opened it's mouth back up for it's paladin. Shiro scrambled in, and he could hear a man yelling from the control seat.

"Keith! Keith!" A thick, sexy Norweigian accent bounced off the enclosed walls of the Black Lion, and Shiro steadily made his way towards the controls. A man stood there, frantically looking around the small space. Shiro suddenly realized why all he had seen was black. The man was wearing black armor. It looked like Shiro's but- older. Like a bad prop costume from some second-rate 70s sci-fi. Clutching his towel, Shiro edged out from the doorframe.

"Who the hell are you?" Shiro demanded, dripping water onto the floor. Black was not happy.

"Who zee hells are you, I cuuld ask you!" The man said angrily, his eyes wide as he turned to face Shiro. "Vhy vwuere you veuring miy armur?" Shiro gave the man a strange look.

"Your armor? It's my armor! Why were you in the showers with me? Why did you steal my towel!?" The man blushed deep red, and Shiro looked at him in disbelief. What the hell was going on?

"I zhought dat if i stoule your towel, you vould nawt do ze jhasing afters me. I vas wrawng." Shiro blinked. Before Shiro could ask another question, such as but not limited to: How did you think that would work?, Why did you call Keith? (he's with lance rn), and last but not least, WHAT THE FUCK?. Shiro picked one.

"Okay, just, tell me who you are."

"Vmy nayme is Sven Holgersson. I am zee piaulet of ze bluue liawn." Shiro froze. Lance was not going to be happy.

"How are you the pilot of the Blue Lion? Allura said the other paladins should have been gone for 10,000 years." Sven looked Shiro in the eye.

"Gawwn, but nawt fargowteen." Shiro felt a burning in his chest. Images flashed before his eyes. He saw Keith and Lance- no. I mean, it kinda looked like Keith and Lance but… weird. Lance was wearing some, turtleneck? And a different jacket? His hair was longer? And Keith… oh Keith… Keith was wearing a… racecar jumpsuit. It was bright red, like _bright_ red, with one of those gay belts around his waist. Dear God Keith. They were crying, a lot. Tears seemed to fall off their faces like waterfalls, and they were shaking uncontrollably. Keith cradled a man, a looked like he was wearing some Chinese robe thing, Shiro couldn't quite make it out at the angle he watched from.

"...uuve gawt to stope zem," the man Keith cradled said. "Sawrry, I can't help youu fowrm Voltrawn naow." The man's head did a 180 on his shoulders, turning to face Shiro, he tried to step back, but his legs felt paralyzed. A single tear rolled down Shiro's cheek, and Sven brushed it away with his gloved hand. Shiro took a sudden step back, his senses recovered.

"Are you a fucking ghost?"

"A ghozt of ze passt, ja."

"Shit." Sven took a tentative step towards Shiro.

"Yiff youu wuuld aloww it, I zink you are an extreemely attractive mayn." Sven whispered, "Wuuld you allouw zis ghozt of ze pazzt to ravage you zexually, aynd allowe mey to pazs on to ze afterliyf?" Shiro towered over the other man. He was easily several feet taller than him, yet when he looked down at this, Sven, he felt incredibly small. Shiro shuffled his feet, and broadened his shoulders a little bit.

"Is it the.. Only thing that will pass you on?" Shiro raised his eyebrows at Sven. Sven nodded vigorously, his hands clasped by his chest and his eyes wide with hope. Shiro sighed again. "I mean, I guess? When do you want to… do it? I've gotta talk to Allura fir-" Shiro was cut short as Sven pounced on him, literally. Unbalanced in the open doorway as he was concentrating, Shiro fell on his back onto the floor, rather hard. He tried to get up and rub the back of his head, but Sven kept his forearms pinned down above his head. "Yo dude, what the hell? I said-"

"Ceaze zspeeking." Sven growled in his ear. Shiro gave Sven _The Look_ ™ and easily pushed to smaller man off of him.

"Look, buddy, I'd _love_ to be your weird sex slave or whatever, but I wouldn't." Shiro patted the back of Black's teeth to tell him to open up. He didn't. "Hey, Black, this guy's crazy. Open up. Please." Black couldn't hear Shiro because Black had decided to take a nap at that exact moment. Shiro tried to walk back up to the control room, but Sven blocked the doorway with his body.

"Zis is a siygn, beootifual mayn." Shiro tried to shove past him, but Sven pulled out a taser and tased the shit out of Shiro. Being wet, it hurt a lot more than it usually did. Shiro blacked out for several minutes, images and feelings floated past him. He could hear Allura yelling at him, but it was all fuzzy and he couldn't quite make it out. He felt something nice, but couldn't quite place what it was.

Shiro blinked in and out of focus, and when he finally felt awake he looked down and saw Sven lubing up his schlong. Shiro panicked, obviously. Where had he gotten the lube? It wasn't space lube, was it? What if it couldn't protect against human AIDS and Sven had herpes? Oh shit, oh God, oh shit. Shiro started to try and move but he found that Sven had handcuffed him to the floor, with those weird handcuffs that are magnetic. No matter how hard he struggled, Shiro couldn't pull his hands off the bottom of Black's mouth, even with his bulging biceps.

"Miy apologizesz. I zhought zat youu wuuld putte up a fiyght."

"S-stop luubinng me up, asssholee." Shiro slurred, he felt slow and cold. Sven seal crawled up Shiro's torso, licking all the way up Shiro's body. Shiro tried to protest, but a lubed-up finger was pressed to his lips.

"Naow iz nawt ze tiyeme faor tallkinn." The man crawled back down Shiro's body, making an uncomfortable sounding noise with his mouth. Shiro shuddered, and silently wish that an asteroid would hit him. Sven finished the job he had started minutes before, carefully lubricating every inch of Shiro's massive cock. It was like 13 inches long. Sven wondered how it hadn't been dragging along the floor behind him as Shiro chased after the Norweigian. Sven giggled to himself, looking back down at Shiro, who had laid his head back down on the floor, waiting for the moment Sven would be done and finally die completely.

Without preparing his own anus, Sven pulled down his pants and slammed his asshole onto Shiro's penis. Shiro felt no pleasure, _especially_ after he saw the face the Norweigian made as he bounced himself up and down on Shiro's pecker. Shiro greatly regretted the single tear he shed as he watched Keith and Lance cry over this fucking obscene moron. What Shiro was amazed at, though, was how Sven's clothing _looked_ like armor but bended like cloth. Some fucking good that would do in a real fight. Speaking of fights, Shiro would rather be getting his ass whooped by Allura than continue to endure what he hoped was a bad dream. Sven pounded his ass up and down as hard as he could onto Shiro's flaccid cock. I know I said it was hard earlier, but that's cuz he had been eyeballing Allura's tight ass, and the events of current had kompletely killed and kock blocked his boner.

Sven started jerking off his own dick (which Shiro had to admit was of decent size) and dear Takashi knew that Sven was about to nut. It was then that Black felt something in his mouth heating up. Being a lion, and therefore an asshole cat, he had completely forgotten that he had swallowed the strange man and his paladin literally 20 minutes before. Shiro was praying silently for Sven to not make a mess that he would have to clean up, when Black wound up and spit the fuckers right the hell out. The force of the spit was so violent that it literally ripped the magnetic handcuffs off the ground with 0 effort, and Shiro felt his numb body flying through the air. Sven came at that exact moment, wouldn't you know.

A beautiful rainbow of Sven's cummies, reflecting all the colors of the Altean rainbow (there are at least 17 more than your human rainbow), arched across the air as the pair fell terrifyingly several stories in the air. Shiro was ecstatic, his wish would come true. He would bash his head off the floor or something and die along with the perverted Norweigian. It was then that Blue stuck her paw out, and the two landed safely and gently into the mechanical pad. She lay them down on the ground, stooping to sniff sniff Shiro to make sure he was alright before curling up in a lil robot ball and going to sleep.

Shiro sighed with disappointment that he had not died and relief that Sven would finally be finished. And he was. Panting hotly, Sven lifted himself off of Shiro with quivering knees, his now flaccid penis hanging from between his legs. Sven smiled.

"Iyy maye fiunallley pasz too ze unzknouwnz." Sven seemed to blow away like mist, a content and blissful smile painted across his face. Shiro felt weirdly happy to seem him go so well, but his head fell back again when he realized that the handcuffs had connected with the magnetic metal of the bay floor. Shiro, buck-ass naked, lay only a few feet from where his towel had landed. Contorting his body, he tried to pull the towel towards him with his toe.

Red noticed this, walked over, picked the towel up in his lil robot mouth, and took it to the far corner of the bay to roll around in.

"RED FOR FUCKS SAKE!" Shiro yelled, drawing the attention of literally everyone aboard the ship. Shiro's heart skipped several normal cardiovascular cycles as he heard the frantic pitter-patter of several pairs of feet running down the hall. Shiro sighed, for the last time in this story. "When they finally break these fucking things, I'm going to fucking kill myself." Black went back to sleep.


End file.
